Today there is a ray of hope. I woke up tired after a fitful night. I had dreams that scare me now. After I woke up I found myself getting more awake, not necessarily with more energy but more awake than for the last several days. I haven’t a clue what is or was going on with my body. I have thought about stress, change in meds, infection, the flu, all sorts of things. I wanted answers to this mystery so I promised my wife I would call and set an appointment with my primary care physician. I called my doctor only to find he takes Wednesdays off now. Maybe if this continues I’ll call again tomorrow.
There must be something about this recovery that makes it so complex. I do know that to simply forfeit three or four days to being too tired and sick to do anything really bothers me. I was a classic type A personality when I worked. Hard charging, everything my way, ahead of everybody. And I was that way until the cancer and the operations. Now, maybe not so much. But it still bothers me to lose days. I am told by everyone to just roll with it, this is a tough situation and I am better to just let it roll over me for a while. That just goes against my nature. I guess it is time to see if that nature is being very productive for me right now.
My wife and I have a dog named Ralph. He is a mix, but mostly Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Ralph is two things above all else, lazy and dumb. He is a loving dog, always ready to jump in your lap, ready to lick you face, and a sheer joy to watch play. Ralph is really into sleeping, laying around, being comfy, being on our bed. I have even seen Ralph lay there when the other two dogs bark at some imagined threat, Ralph just lays on his back and sort of barks, sort of ‘radioing in’ his contribution. My wife has advised me to adopt the Zen of Ralph, lay around, be lazy, and let my body heal. No more challenging endeavor has ever been cast my way. I am to lay around in my lounging outfit and let my body heal. Tough assignment. I know, some people might envy it, but it tries my patience every day that I have to follow that pace. Actually it is not a pace, it is more of a holding pattern. But when your pancreas is healing and you are a hundred pounds down from your previous weight, you eventually get the point. So I already have my afternoon nap planned.
In one of my previous posts I talked about glass class and polymer clay. I want to elaborate on those clues about my life. When I was sick with terminal cancer I decided that I had to find some things to fill my time and give me some method of expression. Eventually I got down to stained glass and maybe building miniature furniture and maybe building some outdoor canopies. I am setting up the stained glass workshop. I have a couple of heavy duty sewing machines ready to go to work when my shop is ready. I have wanted to work on that for the last several days. The background is that I had several projects that required some heavy duty sewing and I finally just decided to buy a machine to do that. So I did, and then I decided to build some outdoor canopies for camping and maybe for a stall to sell stained glass from as well. The polymer clay is to do some art to support some of the stained glass work that might sit on a table. If I can ever get over this indolence.
